Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
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I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.