Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
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HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I think about this a lot
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun