Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
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“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
This is my cat’s medicine.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no