ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
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I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk