Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
You Might Also Like
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.