I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
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I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee