dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
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*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
British people be like I’m Bri ish
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.