Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
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Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags