Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
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This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
My birthstone is a marshmallow
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn