Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
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People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I gave up going to work for lent.
a fate I wish upon no one
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.