My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I’m giving up for Lent.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
lol
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!