*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
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There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!