me the second it drops below 70 degrees
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Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Breaking news:
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
My favorite female superhero
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,