Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
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My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.