I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
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CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
🙁
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Interior design 👌
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever