[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
You Might Also Like
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.