Bartenders are just boneless bars
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The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.