TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
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I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.