okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
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I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.