If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
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“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me