in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
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Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.