My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
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wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou