Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
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California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor