HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
You Might Also Like
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
There’s no “u” in narcissist
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?