[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
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I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
“We will wed,” I threatened
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.