optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
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Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space