Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
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The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Fries, not lies.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL