This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
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I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
They did not miss in the small print
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive