Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
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[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
she has a point
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator