*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
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I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Nose
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them