9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?