me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
You Might Also Like
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers