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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.