Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
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a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home