My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
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I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]