I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
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I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
is this a warning or an offer?
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.