I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
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ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”