Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
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Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.