Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
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Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.