I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
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I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Breaking news:
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.