The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”