Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart