Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
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My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.