Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
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Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Ovenable?
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Good morning!
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.