GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
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Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
“I wouldn’t.”
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.