Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
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the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Finally!
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Bless you
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross