I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
You Might Also Like
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
this could fix me
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.