Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
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I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*