spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
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I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
monday
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
this could fix me
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…