Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
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Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
the prophecies have been fulfilled
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.